: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
