so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
