my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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