My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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