Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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