im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm at about main and main street
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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