dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
