My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dicks are not precious.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
