I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
