I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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