This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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