this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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