Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
