I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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