I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
