1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
