In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
