we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
