Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
