We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
why is half of my head shaved?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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