Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
