just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
