it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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