I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
