Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
