Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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