Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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