My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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