So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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