JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
