its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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