Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
