dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The uberlube is also flammable
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
