I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
