I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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