Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
