Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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