Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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