looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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