My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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