When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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