Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
