Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
