Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
