I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
