Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
