I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The uberlube is also flammable
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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