you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
