i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit