Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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